It seems in the beginning of our journey we could not get a win under our belt for anything. Now as we are adjusting to our “new normal,” I find our hard days are still present but seemingly fewer and farther between. Though we have more positive days, I find that my hard days are extremely difficult and I’m unable to gain any traction. I keep telling myself to embrace what I cannot change but man, oh, man, that is much easier said than done.
I was just feeling, “bleh.” You know the feeling. The feeling you know it’s bad when even a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chocoloate Fudge Brownie won’t alter your mood for the better. “I’m broken,” is the only phrase that kept crossing my mind. My prayers in these days, though more frequent in numbers were much less in substance. I would find myself just halting the route of my prayer and telling God, “I’m broken. Fix me. Fix my mind.” That is one of the worst parts for me, I suppose. The fact that I cannot seem to keep a lucid thought and I’m just stumbling along with my words following suit. Nothing made me feel better much less made me feel normal. I just kept repeating my new mantra “I’m broken.”
In moments (more like days) like these, it is very refreshing to know there is something bigger than me. Bigger than my son’s disease. And bigger than all things logical. I am fortunate enough in my life to have experienced moments when I know God has been gracious enough to let me know He is listening to me. While attending Vaughn Forest Church on June 2, God tapped me on my heart. The sermon was one part in a series titled, “Fix and Mend” (Mending Martha). One of the key points I took from this sermon was that we may be full of doubt and not know the outcome but we must follow in faith. I have to keep reminding myself that God is using this experience to redirect my life purpose. I must walk in faith and use this experience to grow. I’m not broken. I just need to be still and let God do his God thing
As if it wasn’t enough for me to feel the sermon was being preached directly to me, God decided to throw a little added assurance my way. I was listening to the radio when an artist (no clue as to a name) was talking about one of his favorite verses, Psalm 34:18: The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit. I was stunned. This is a point-blank message to me. I AM brokenhearted. I DO have a crushed spirit. “Okay, okay. Got it, God. You’re listening.”
Despite these two good / God things happening to me earlier in the day, God decided to throw in one more assurance as I was preparing for bed. During our hospital stay with Mac, the book Jesus Calling was given to me as part of a care package. Though I had this book for weeks at this point, I finally settled in bed and started reading. I began at May 1, the day Mac was officially diagnosed with MS-LCH. The first sentence in this devotion: You are on the path of My chosing. There is no randomness about your life. “Okay, God. I get it. You’re listening. You’ve now told me three times today.” The devotion of May 1 ends with, “…let My Spirit direct your steps, enabling you to walk along the path of peace.” Peace. Man, I could use a super-sized dose of peace. The devotion of May 2nd goes on to say times of adverisity are used to “amplify” the awareness of God. Well, if you are of faith or not, when your childs health is in jeopardy and you are hearing words like “chemo” and “permanent consequences” it puts a few things in perspective for you; God, just being one of them. As stated in Proverbs 29:25 I need to find strength in God when I am feeling tired.
So, despite feeling like a modern day Charlie Brown, I was able to get my emotions recharged and in check. Well, techicially it wasn’t me but you get the picture. I know there are probably scientist and nay-sayers who can shrug this all off as coincidence but I have never been humbled by a coincidence. I have, however, been humbled by God.